1, #135 - Understanding Negotiation

Estimated Read Time: 59 seconds.

What’s the first word that comes to mind when you think of a strong negotiator?

Was it “tough”?

Negotiation always evokes images of hard talk and furrowed brows. But I recently started a book by Chris Voss, former lead FBI hostage negotiator, and was surprised by his approach.

Rather than being cold, logical, and process-oriented, Voss’s methodology feels closer to… therapy.

“It all starts with the universally applicable premise that people want to be understood and accepted. Listening is the cheapest, yet most effective concession we can make to get there. By listening intensely, a negotiator demonstrates empathy and shows a sincere desire to better understand what the other side is experiencing.”

Voss calls this strategy Tactical Empathy (yeah, definitely takes the warmth out a bit!), but the point remains: Persuading someone to change their mind is emotional and relational, not purely logical.

“Psychotherapy research shows that when individuals feel listened to, they tend to listen to themselves more carefully… openly evaluate and clarify their own thoughts… become less defensive and oppositional and more willing to listen to other points of view, which gets them to the calm and logical place where they can be good … problem solvers.”

Now, I’m sure Voss has the unflinching resolve and discipline that make him tough in a traditional sense. But reading his book made me realize that negotiation—“nothing more than communication with results,” as Voss puts it—requires a different kind of strength: the humility and patience to listen, understand, and be curious.

Still tough, right?

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Insight inspired by: Chris Voss & Never Split the Difference. (Thank you, Brad, for sending it!)